(Image by John Cox)
Last night, for the first time in years, I read through some old love letters, which spanned ten years – from junior high school through college.
Strangely, I remember many of my letters being profound and funny. I remember wondering, after I’d written them, how any of the recipients could possibly resist me. Now, years later, I don’t know how any of those girls put up with me.
I’ve used lessons from those old love letters to construct an important top ten list – the top ten things NOT to write in a love letter. Given my history, I plead with you to take my advice at your own risk. Here it goes:
1. Wordplay isn’t play when it makes you nauseous: “I am so in love with u! Not with the letter u. But with u!”
2. Your past relationships usually aren’t a turn-on for your present fling. “My last girlfriend was a basket case… but you seem very mentally stable.”
3. Don’t write poetry when you’re not a poet. “Pecan pie. Why oh why. Did I choose you for dessert. I would have rather crossed the desert. If not for your doughy boobs.”
4. Don’t spell important words wrong. “When I look into you’re eyes… I see a reflection of myself.”
5. Don’t write anything that comes off as self-absorbed: “When I look into you’re eyes… I see a reflection of myself.”
6. Don’t put your (roommate’s) cologne on a handwritten letter to a girl who is allergic to that cologne: “Were you trying to kill me?”
7. Don’t write stuff that puts your sexuality into question (unless that’s what you want): “I’ve seen other guys in the locker room, and…”
8. Don’t talk about fifteen kids: “Sometimes I think I want to have fifteen kids with you!”
9. Don’t belittle demons. “I know your anorexia thing sucks, but it’s really not that big a deal.”
10. Don’t quote the wrong Shakespeare line: “Draw thy tool. My naked weapon is out.”
A final thought: I am so sorry to the girls who had to endure my love letters. This list is a consolation… so that the lessons from my mistakes can be heeded by others and, perhaps, put to good use!